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I work really hard at depth, not expansion. Depth in terms of who I am, what kind of person I want to be, the life I yearn to design and how my lovely humans will remember me. I research, read & study more than any other thing I do. I research how to change my frame of mind, my perspective and I am learning to laser my focus and my gratitude. It is exhausting. Every single day I put in hours of work towards bettering myself to better my humans {kids/husband/friends/sister/mother/father/etc} and our relationships. Here's what I am finding to be true for myself.
I have been blind to who I am, who I believe I am, and who I want to become. Sounds confusing right?! {Good!...You're about where I'm at.} To clarify what I mean I will explain. I really look up to very few people in the world as a whole. I don't have a lot of respect or trust for anyone. It is hard earned... I have high expectations for how people should act, politeness, work ethic, character, integrity, the Golden Rule, yada, yada, yada. The catch for me is...{drumroll please!!!} I have high expectations for those around me and refuse to accept anything less from them, but do NOT live by those standards myself! WHAAAAAAT?! I'm sure some of you are probably saying...so what? A lot of people are like that. Well...you see it makes sense. We have high rates of divorce, suicide, mass shootings, over prescribing of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications, porn addiction, drugs...any addiction, entitlement. I realized all of this stems from the root of my own problem...I am not able to see the value I hold. Which means I don't believe that I am a person of value. I don't know I am awesome, great, phenomenal.
Might sound simple or even dumb to some of you, but for me finding this out broke my heart. It hurt because I finally realized it all came down to self-worth. My self-image. My thoughts. Here I am believing I am broken. Which made me self-condemning. Self-blaming. Which equates to me being hard on myself. And unforgiving to myself. It made me mean to myself.
400 TRILLION TO 1 (400,000,000,000,000). I typed it out to give you an idea of how monstrous that number is. Those are the odds of becoming a human. So do I believe I was meant to think I am worthless? No. Do I believe my self-talk should be condemning and mean? No. Do I believe there has to be more? YES! That is why I dig deep into learning, studying, listening.
I had this realization 2 days ago. 2 days. 48 hours ago...so what does it mean? How do I change? What actions am I supposed to take? Fuck if I know, but I am gonna spend the rest of my life trying to find out. I know somewhere deep inside me...I believe I am awesome. I am drawn towards greatness because it is who I am meant to be. It doesn't mean I will be be rich. It doesn't mean I will be famous. It doesn't mean that anyone else on the planet will believe I am great or awesome. Me being great means whatever I want it to mean. And now that I'm aware of this...I continue to dig deep.